*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”