A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
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I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Carpe DM
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.