Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
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there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out