me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
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Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Childbirth is so beautiful
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Netflix: We have Less
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.