“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool