[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything