When your diet is finally over.
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This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
How I’d get arrested…
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.