Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
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GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.