The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
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Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them