SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Don’t tell me what to do
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.