Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
every single time
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws