I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
how to market bottled water to dads
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Big Sex has us all fooled
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems