“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

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Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.


I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.


Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*


Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.


I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.


DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL


[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.