@TEXASVETERAN Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
@Book_Krazy [interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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@TEXASVETERAN 
@TheCiscoKidder Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
@GianDoh I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
@BuckyIsotope Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
@EllenPallas Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
@nocontextgbbo 
@TheUnderfold Bootstraps
@louisvirtel I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
@chimneyspotter DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
@MichaelJErhart [Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.