The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
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[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
what
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If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.