Only a mother’s love …
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If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Bike is short for Bichael.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup