how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.