triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.