@9to5Life

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

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@SheOverAnalyzes

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

@FadeAway2

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

@WyanRilson

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

@bmarked21

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@YourMomsucksTho

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

@frogbunnie

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

@yoyoha

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster