If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster