Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.