I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.