Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys