*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Autocarrot sucks!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.