I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
You Might Also Like
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die