Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Itās like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans donāt fit anymore.
Wife: itās probably cause of all the muscle youāve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] youāre probably right.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Brain: āsomething is wrongā
Me: āwhat is it?ā
Brain: āyou gotta guess ā
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..šš
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
No, Iām not a āTrekkieā…
Iāve never even seen Star Wars.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? Iām leaving.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: Youāre being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Child: Mommy said Iām allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My bank just sent me an email starting with āweāre all in this togetherā and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.