I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I want what they have
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.