If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.