You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My wedding will be open casket.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.