The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Friends that check up on you >
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales