I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.