I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
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[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off