Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
A bold strategy
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.