I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”