rapatouille
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*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers