There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
You Might Also Like
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
The news in a nutshell.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
What about second breakfast?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang