*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
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“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST