5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
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Did my cat write this
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I will never stop laughing at this
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.