Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.