Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
You Might Also Like
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I’m sure it’s fine.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”