I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
So we got a goldfish…
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.