Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
inventing words: clothing
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing