A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
A wise man once said nothing.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
put ‘er there pardner!