This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I’m giving up ice.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.