A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
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The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube