*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Interior design 👌
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.