My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*puts my mental health in rice
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Any refunds available?…