Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.