The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
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Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.