ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
X-tra spooky blend
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I mean…but I did
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Every. Damn. Time.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler