My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Not today.. 😂
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta