Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.