*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.