My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
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I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth